Ages 4-11 · Independence, MO city · Book 2, Belonging

Making Friends — Independence, MO

The instinct is to tell a left-out child that the other children would like them if they tried. Independence has a population of about 117,240. That is an argument, and a child who is argued with stops telling you things.

Not a personality transplant. One specific, repeatable move that works for a child who is not naturally the loudest in the room.

The book behind it

Ellis Abel and the Scary Playground

“Being brave means showing up anyway.”

Everyone feels different sometimes.
Talking about feelings makes us stronger.
Belonging begins with one brave step.

Ellis Abel is a character series. Volume 2 carries the value belonging, and the story does the teaching. There is no doctrine in it and nothing for a family to opt out of, which is why it runs in Independence, MO in public schools, libraries, clubs and living rooms without changing a word.

Read about Ellis Abel and the Scary Playground · The whole series

Five sessions in Independence

Session 1
Read the story and stop where he is standing on the edge of it
Session 2
Say out loud what being the different one feels like here
Session 3
Find the moment he goes in before the scared part has gone
Session 4
Each child picks ONE person, not the whole group
Session 5
One question to ask that person before the next session

What Independence, MO leaders ask first

Is making friends in Independence, MO a religious program?

No. Ellis Abel is a character series. Each volume carries one named core value — this one is belonging — and the story does the teaching. There is no doctrine in it, nothing to opt out of, and it is used in public schools, libraries and secular programs as readily as anywhere else.

What ages does this work for?

Ages 4-11. The story is read aloud, so a child who cannot read yet is fully in it, and the discussion prompts are written in two bands so one adult can hold a mixed-age room.

We have tried things like this in Independence, MO before and stopped. Why is this different?

Because it is ten minutes and it survives a missed night. There is no streak to break and nothing to catch up on — you pick up at the next chapter.

What if my child will not talk about it?

Then read it anyway and say nothing. Children answer days later, in the car, about something else entirely. The prompts are there when they are ready, not a toll you have to pay to finish the book.

How a session actually runs in Independence

Step 1
The fence is a reasonable place to stand
Nobody is told they are being silly. A child at the edge of a Independence, MO playground has correctly worked out that walking up to a group can go badly. The session starts by agreeing with them, because a child who is argued with stops talking.
Step 2
Everyone in this room has stood there
The second session is the adults going first, out loud, with a real time they were the outsider. It changes a room faster than anything a child says, and it is the reason the story uses a swordsman rather than a lecture.
Step 3
One person, not the group
The single most useful correction in the whole book. Children are told to join in, which means facing a group, which is the hardest possible version. One person, chosen in advance, asked one question about something they already like, is a move a seven-year-old can actually make.
Step 4
Brave is what happens after you go, not before
Children wait to feel ready and the feeling never arrives on schedule. The last session names the order properly: you go, and then the brave shows up. Every child leaves with the name of their one person and the question they will ask.

The rules that make it work

It is a character story, not a social skills assessment

No child is scored, graded or sorted into a social tier. The room gets shared language and a move to practise, and nothing about a child is recorded.

Never make the left-out child the project

A program that visibly organises itself around one child has told the whole room who that child is. Everything here is run for everyone.

One person, not the whole group

Joining a group is the hardest version of the task and the one children are always told to do. One person, chosen beforehand, is the version that works.

Difference is the asset, said plainly

Not "everyone is special", which children correctly hear as nothing. The specific thing that makes this child the odd one out is named, and then used.

Adults go first

An adult describing their own time at the fence gives permission that no amount of encouragement does.

Ask the new child whether it worked

Not the volunteers, not the popular children, not the staff. The person who was alone is the only reliable measure of whether a belonging program works.